I’ve been thinking a lot about external validation. Whether it’s a “like” from strangers on Instagram or being affirmed by our loved ones, what is it that makes us care about what other people think of us?
I came up with my own theories but it was very fitting (almost scary) when one of my favorite newsletters arrived in my inbox discussing this exact topic.
Brad Stulberg of the Growth Equation explains that our cravings for external validation are rooted in our DNA. For our early ancestors, being liked and valued in our
communities led to a safer, more fulfilling life.
But now that we’re in a modern world, these cravings for validation can lead to problems. And no, , I don't just mean when we pick out a really cute outfit that makes us feel unstoppable but no one gives us a compliment, I'm also talking about:
- Wondering (anxiously) if we’re doing a bad job at work if our boss doesn’t acknowledge us
- Equating our self-worth with how much validation we get from others
- Finding it difficult to love ourselves or be kind to ourselves if we’re not in a romantic relationship
If we struggle to self-validate, our happiness, progression, and sense of worth will always be tied up in what other people think. It doesn't always have to be this way...
According to the Growth Equation, “when three key psychosocial elements are in place”, we don’t care as much about external validation. They include:
- Autonomy: some sense of control over how we spend our time and our energy
- Mastery: tangible progress that can be traced back to oneself
- Belonging: a strong sense of connection to other people, places, or traditions
Reading this was truly an “aha” moment for me. It's true, when all three of the elements are present, I don't care about what others think but when one of those elements is missing, I question my entire existence. 🥲
The good news is that whether it’s in our careers, relationships, fitness goals, parenting, etc., we can seek out and incorporate those three elements to reduce the amount of external validation we need from others. At work, this could show up as autonomy or mastery while in your social life, there could be a missing sense of belonging.
Can you identify an area in your life where you seek external validation? Are any of the three elements missing? If so, is there an action you can take to work towards incorporating them?
I don’t expect you to write back today, but if you find this helpful, please feel free to forward this email to someone who needs it.
