I wrote this intro 100 times. Fine, that may be an exaggeration but the point is - I’ve put these feelings on paper Notes several times over the past few months but never wanted to hit send.

Why? By sharing, I’d be opening myself up to an influx of (well-meaning) messages about my well-being. Attention that I find incredibly overwhelming.

But now I believe if sharing this message can help anyone else, it’s worth the “inconvenience” of being overwhelmed by your love and support.

A few months ago, I told my therapist that I wasn’t feeling myself. After describing my symptoms, she told me that it sounded like depression.

Me?

Depressed?

Doubtful.

Sure, I’ve had a rough year, but depression? That’s a stretch. People like me don’t get depressed. When we’re drowning, we come up for air and dive back in the deep end. Feelings? We suck it up. We stay strong for the people around us. For some reason, this time felt different.

My symptoms? Activities I once enjoyed were no longer enjoyable. I unintentionally lost a LOT of weight. I rarely have the energy to hang out with friends even though I really want to. I don’t want to run or workout - at all. I am constantly feeling burned out. I can’t think and I feel like I’m moving slower. The only time I really feel like myself is when I’m with my students in the classroom. Or at the beach...

Everything’s fine, right? 😳

What I’ve come to accept since that initial conversation is that depression looks different for everyone. For some people, it last a few months, others a few years. It can be mild or it can require serious medical treatment. I also learned that if a close relative has ever suffered from depression, it’s more likely you will too. 

For me, it feels more episodes. I can go weeks without an episode or I can binge a series in a day. At first, I thought these episodes were random but now I know that I’m triggered by feelings of overwhelm and perceived failure, rejection, or loneliness.

So, what’s next? I focus on healing. The first step is addressing being overwhelmed. After months of contemplating, I’m cutting back on my commitments with Strides to prioritize grad school.

Second, I’m practicing kindness towards myself as much as possible. I’m slowing down and giving myself the same grace and understanding that I give to everyone else.

Third, I’ll continue to work closely with my mental health team.

Just so we’re clear, this message isn’t a cry for help. I don’t want you to feel bad for me. I’ve spent close to two years unlearning some of the toxic defense mechanisms mentioned above. I don’t have to be a rock.

I’m finally sharing because I want you to know that you don’t have to be one either. We don’t have to pretend that everything is fine when everything feels like it’s falling apart.

If you are struggling, reach out to a mental health professional who can help you navigate these complicated feelings. Talk with a loved one who won’t judge you or invalidate your feelings. It’s okay to come up for air, but guess what? You don’t have to dive back in.

It gets better…so I hear.